| You're going to cry and beg for mercy. |
[06 Apr 2005|10:24pm] |
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music |
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The Donnas - Fall Behind Me. |
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I woke up at midday today. It’s been really boring so all I have done is like eat and read fan fiction. I visited some of my friends last weekend, they seemed happy to see me, I was happy to see them too. I don’t know why, but I’ve been highly depressed the past couple of days and it seems like my best friend is the internet, but being a couple hours away from my friends…I suppose my true friend here is the internet and the characters here I know so well.
Let’s see, today I have eaten:
A milk and cereal bar.
Trix.
Campbell’s Soup at Hand: Chicken and Stars.
3 cherries.
Now I am eating pickles…or rather drinking the pickle juice, I know…I know…delicious. :D
It’s raining here and it’s totally shit outside. I like rain and thundering though, something about this type of weather calms me. I think I need to be a more active participant in the groups I’m in, it’s like I’ll post something once a month and come back and no one knows me. Hah.
Yesterday I got the Hawthorne Heights cd, it rewlz. And the day before I got the semi-new Sum 41 cd “Chuck”. For a few days, I’ve stopped taking my lexapro and I’m starting to relive the past in my mind again. It makes me feel awful, and I think I would rather stay awake all night (which is what my pill makes me do) than go through all of these awful things again. Sometimes I’ll start thinking about them and I’ll want to hurt myself or someone else and I know I shouldn’t feel that way towards myself, because the things that I went through were not my fault. And if I were to blame anyone, it would be the person who did these things, and my mum. I often blame my mum for being conceived, she wanted a child, but she really didn’t need one at the time she had me. I just wish things could have gone differently in our lives. I know I can’t change anything now, I don’t have Hermione’s time-turner, come to think of it neither does she. So the best I can do is just go on with my life and not dwell on these horrible misgivings. Sometimes it’s just hard. And sometimes I get completely emo and don’t get out of that state for days at a time.
Right now I just want to run away to somewhere far away and hide from all my problems. All of these things and leukemia combined has stunted my mental growth, the earlier has stunted it for years, which is why I feel like I’m 12 or 13 most of the time. I do feel like when people go through a highly traumatic thing that damages them, their mind could possibly get stuck in a place that was a happier time for them. The last real happy time for me was when I was 6 years old. That’s why I want to leave and create happier times for myself. I know that you can’t hide from your problems, and I’m not going to hide from them, I’m just going to forget about them and not try to think about them and move on with my life the best that I can. I’m good at ignoring things, but not so good that I can ignore terrible things. People might view me as something of a morbid person, and that’s true, I’m often morbid. I think about morbid things, I watch morbid things on television. I listen to morbid songs. I think of morbid things that could happen to me, and for some reason I do not fear any of it.
I do know that what happened back then makes me who I am and the way I think now. It’s shaped me for the worse, it seems. It’s hard to see myself as being happy for good. Now I really don’t get upset a lot but I do go to sleep depressed and with a feeling of hopelessness. And those two are the worst feelings, but somehow I revel in them and wish for them to stay with me always. I don’t know what it is to be happy anymore and I don’t even know if I want to be happy. There’s not really a point, is there? I mean for a while you’re happy and everything’s peachy, but them something will come along to botch it all up again. That’s why I want to live in the Wizarding World, I know I wouldn’t be completely happy there, because there are so many things going on, but at least I might be able to accomplish something. I feel that I would be a good addition to Hogwarts. And just think, you could live at the school and not have to see any relatives for 9 months. That would be wonderful. Sometimes I think if I would have been an orphan things would have been different. I could live in an orphanage and not have to worry about my grandmother or my mum nagging me. I could just be an orphan, not that I don’t love my mum, but she’s not really doing me any good and I think I wouldn’t have that much trouble making it on my mind. I know when I’m older I’ll look back upon this period in my life and wonder what the hell I was thinking. But right now it all seems right.
I do know when I’m older, I’ll definitely stay away from my family. I can go somewhere where no one knows me, and maybe meet people that aren’t afraid to live their lives differently.
Till that day comes, I suppose I shall just have to be satisfied with just dreaming.
And maybe I’ll have nice dreams of what is to come.
Who knows how long I’ll be around, no one knows how long this is going to last.
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[01 Apr 2005|01:11am] |
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Happy birthday Fred and George!!
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| H/G. <33 |
[31 Mar 2005|01:06am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Muse - Sing for Absolution. |
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I think it's Ginny on the cover as well. It wouldn't be Harry's mum, because I think his dad would be there too, and she wouldn't likely be standing with Ron and Hermione, or across from them at least. And since she's on the cover, I think it's an H/G clue. Yay.<333
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[10 Mar 2005|12:10pm] |
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Happy birthday, Remus Lupin.
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| Omgharryswoon<3333 |
[08 Mar 2005|11:02pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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This is the American book cover, it's prettier than the uK's, which I couldn't get to upload.
I am in the hospital again, I don't know when I'll return.
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[01 Mar 2005|03:06am] |
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Happy birthday to you, Ron Weasley. I'm sure Hermione is planning something extra special for tonight. *giggles*
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| It's a holiday in Cambodia, don't forget to pack a wife. |
[18 Feb 2005|07:24am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Dead Kennedys - Holiday in Cambodia. |
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All I want to do is crawl in bed and dream of things unknown to me. I feel a sudden urge of frustration, I don’t even know what I’m frustrated over. One second I’m cheerful and happy, and then the next I’m sad. Perhaps I’m bipolar. But often I’m sad rather than cheerful. There’s still a longing in there, I don’t know what it is, or what I want. I don’t think I ever will. When did I turn so hostile, posh, and aristocratic. That’s not the person I knew. The person I knew looked up at the world through the bright eyes of a child. Everyday was a new adventure for her and she couldn’t wait to find out what happened next.
She often fancied herself in the world of Alice in Wonderland, or flying off to Neverland with Peter Pan. She was 11 and it wasn’t a good time. She cried herself to sleep every night and wished for Peter Pan to come take her away. This is me. I never wanted to be here, but here I am. Why is it so hard for me to face the world? I’m always pretending I’m in another place, someone different. I want an entirely whole new life. I don’t know why I hate this world or its reality so, but I do and there’s nothing that can be done to change it.
I suppose…right now I’d rather be alone, out, gazing at the world through rose coloured glasses. Maybe someday..all of my dreams will come true. And if they do, I’ll be the happiest person on earth.
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[15 Feb 2005|04:54pm] |
I swear the name on the bottoms starts with a G!
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| Oh how I burn for you. |
[14 Feb 2005|08:57am] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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Franz Ferdinand - This Fire. |
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I don’t know how she can have so much hatred in her, but she does. She’s never civil towards anyone, why must everything she should love be the things that she hates? She doesn’t hate her books or music, but she hates and hurts the people closest to her. Some say it’s the illness creeping up on her, the scare of death. She knows better. She has let the darkness take over her soul and it’s consuming everything in it’s path. She was tired of being told what to do. Tired of everything and ready for a new life. The problems she faces are many, and sometimes she feels like ducking out and going home, but she knows better. Silent tears form in her eyes, never finding their way down her cheek, but they reside there all the same. Every strand of hair that she lost was another dream that died. Every accusation just as pointless as the next, at this time in her life everything is pointless. There are days when she doesn’t feel like getting out of bed and facing the day, but she knows she is forced to, but anyone that knew her must have known that she needed her freedom needed out. Instead they choose to keep her caged in like a prisoner. Her dreams and wishes grow colder and take different direction with every depressing thought she thinks. This is her world, the world that she created for herself. Now she’s lost in it and can’t get out. Thanks a lot, lady luck.
__
In other news, I had company a lot this weekend, it was great, I loved seeing my friends. I miss them so much, so that entertained me. Kriston got me a webcam!<333 It’s awesome.<3
Well, I’m tired.
Happy Valentine's day.
Rainbow Squad for life, y0.
She's always watching, always there. She never sleeps.
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| Something beautiful, a contradiction. I want the friction. |
[12 Feb 2005|10:55am] |
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mood |
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Muse - Time is Running Out. |
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Caution: Long entry. ;D
Yesterday was not a good day. I’ve been fighting with my mum a lot lately, I’m too boastful and arrogant, apparently. I insult people without reason, but that’s just my personality. I don’t like not having my way, and some might call me selfish, but I’m a teenager. I don’t want to be mean, sometimes it just comes out that way. It’s terrible of me to behave the way I do, but it’s hard not being in an ill state sometimes. The only thing good that happened today was that I got some Harry Potter Valentine’s day cards, but I’ll have plenty left over cause I’m not giving them out to a lot of people.
Right now I’m feeling trapped. A rather morbid thing is that I’ve imagined myself in my grave rotting, and I don’t want to rot until I’m ready to rot, which is why I’m going to go on ahead with the chemotherapy. I miss the way things were. I feel isolated here, but when I go home it will be the same thing all over again, I’ll feel trapped and have an extreme urge to leave. I’m growing up swiftly, but how I want it to be slow. I’m always doing something childish and I can never act adult about anything unless I’m forced to, and right now I’m being forced to come to terms with this and decide the best thing for me.
I haven’t cried that much over it, I’ve tried to be strong for everyone around me, but I hate going to sleep with the sense of depression that I always get. For some reason it always feels like something’s missing. Something or someone. I can’t understand what. A lot of times I think it’s Harry, and I’ll blurt out “I miss Harry”, even though I have all the books and all the movies right here with me. And I don’t know why I miss him, because I’ve never met him. Only in my dreams have I seen his beautiful face. There’s a sense of urgency inside of me that wants him and needs him badly. I don’t want a boyfriend because they cause too much trouble, and I’m looking for something more extraordinary than I’ve ever seen. Someone who can understand me and my thoughts, however outrageous they might be.
I don’t miss school anymore, in fact I loathe it. I really don’t want to go again, and if I must I will go to one class a day. Only one class a day. After being out for so long, things have just been easier without it. I have enough to be going on with. But oh if it were Hogwarts…I think that’s why I always feel out of place wherever I am, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, but I know it’s not here, nor any other place that I have ventured to. I always get an odd feeling in my stomach, like I’m meant for something greater than here, and maybe I was supposed to be a character in a fantastic book. Do magnificent things. Fight in magical battles. But I’ll never know because I’m stuck here, and I don’t have any direction. Something’s missing from my life and I don’t know what it is or how to go about finding it. I feel so confused…I always feel confused, which is why I come off so scatter-brained.
I want more than this typical life, I want somewhere where I’m not an outcast or a fly on the wall. I suppose I shall have to spend the rest of my days searching for that missing part of me, the part of me that was meant to make me shine and glimmer with greatness. No, I don’t want to take over the world, I’m not sure whether or not I want to be misunderstood. I know I don’t want people to presume things about me, they don’t know the real me…and probably never will. Right now I’m stuck between moon and earth, heaven and hell… whatever you will, I’m stuck between it. Nothing’s right or wrong anymore, I’ve lost my sense of morality and I don’t know where to look for it. I know I stay depressed a lot but each day it grows and grows worse. People say I have a right to be depressed after what I’ve had to go through, but I don’t know anymore what I have the right to feel and not feel.
Mike and Mel are awesome.
That is all. Have a lovely rest of the day. <3
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| He's holding back he's hiding, but what I can't decide, why won't he be the king I know he is... |
[11 Feb 2005|09:02am] |
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mood |
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cranky |
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music |
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The Lion King - Can you feel the love tonight? |
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Lol, last night was so much fun. I laughed until my insides hurt. Sara and I stayed up all night talking about Nick Jr and shows we used to watch when we were little. And then Mike and Jose got all emo and we had to take action, we got into a fight about how sucky Germany was and then emo they were. It was greatttt. Then we talked about Jews...which is something we always talk about. Mike is depressed because his life is manure. *giggle* But really it was fun, and we should do it again sometime, because gawd knows I've been here for too long and trivia is uber old.
I'm feeling a little cheerier now, which is good, I suppose. I don't know if I want to take more chemotherapy or not, it's a hard decision..die or not die. I wish Dumbledore were here to direct me. Of course if I were at Hogwarts, I'm sure they would have a cure for it. But taking the chemo means staying another couple of months, I want to see my friends...but I don't want to attend school anymore, it would be too stressful for me, cancer itself is enough for anyone to die, literally.
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[06 Feb 2005|04:23am] |
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Happy birthday, Arthur Weasley!
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| It's almost Xmas. |
[23 Dec 2004|05:18am] |
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mood |
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 sore |
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Avril Lavigne - Slipped Away. |
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What Will aloneallalong Get ?
| Xmas pressie predictor | | Big wooly jumper knitted by | xpsychoxkatx | | Pair of Socks from | theonewhospeaks | | Bottle of Whiskey from | xsquee__ | | Cd from | damagedxpromise | | Something Cuddly from | aloneallalong | | Something Intoxicating from | niteskyfadinred | | Something Silly from | the_rail | | Something Funny from | pinksunryse | | Lump of coal from | gilyann | | Something Pretty from | zefiryn | | Something Shiny from | nsist2pullmedwn | | Something Naughty from | ivybgreenflower | | Something Smelly from | xneverxfeltx | | Something Breakable from | living_in_ennui | | Something Useful from | buffy47 | | Something not useful from | arnahmaeror | | The Black and Decker Tool Kit from | painting_a_lie | | Livejournal account from | givemeyourvenom | | The Make-up Bag from | _x_serenity_x_ | | Stack of DVDs from | _delovely | | Something Geeky from | sabrielgd |
I think the ideal present for Mel would be Harry Potter wrapped up in a green ribbon (yes with clothes on, pervs).
Let's see...
Things making this Christmas gr8:
1.) JK Rowling finally released the date of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which left me ecstatic.
2.) Presents 4 me.
3.) Hopefully cds.
4.) I am still able to be on the internet. (The internet is serious business!)
5.) Potterthons.
6.) The ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) hpgw_ficafest.
7.) I can't think of anymore.
Things making this Christmas suck:
1.) I do not like together-ness. But I won't have to worry about that this year.
2.) I'm stuck here away from home.
3.) My grandfather is not here to celebr8 w/ me nor will he ever be again.
4.) It's really cold, and I'd rather have a mild Christmas than extremely cold.
5.) Harry Potter's not here to be with me either. :(((
6.) Neither is Ron, Ginny, Hagrid, Fred, George, Hermione, Bill, Charlie, Mum, Dad, Crookshanks, Pigwidgeon, Gilderoy Lockhart, Sirius Black (HE LIVES), Luna, Neville, Trevor, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick, Mad-Eye, Tonks, or Buckbeak. :(
7.) The book is another 7 months off.
8.) There is supposedly "peace on earth". And that has nothing to do with the internal war going on inside of me.
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[21 Dec 2004|02:28pm] |
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The official release date is 16th July 2005!!!!!!
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| Mel is so excited!woierhfoerihgre |
[21 Dec 2004|11:11am] |
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mood |
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 EXTREMELY POTTER HAPPY!!!! |
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music |
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New Found Glory - Doubt Full. |
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You know, I can’t believe they’re releasing the date of when The Half-Blood Prince will be out today. I’m so excited. It’s kind of sad to know the series is almost at its end. It’s so sad. But I can’t wait to know what will happen. I hope my thoughts of H/G and R/Hr getting together in this book are true. Especially R/Hr, it’s took them bloody long enough. I honestly didn’t think she’d be done this soon, but she is. And I’m glad, after the 6th book we’ll have to grit our teeth for another 2 years, and hey, I’ll only be a year older than Harry, and the same age as Hermione. Ohhhhh, I can hardly contain my excitement. We actually get both a book and a movie in one year! :D
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| jajajahahha |
[21 Dec 2004|01:26am] |
Harry and Ron in their dressrobes. *SNORT*
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[21 Dec 2004|12:42am] |
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The 6th book is done, yay! So it should be out next summer, wooooooot!
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[13 Dec 2004|08:39pm] |
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Happy birthday, Charlie Weasley(December 11)! I missed by a couple of days. I had to go into the hospital because I kept getting these massive headaches that wouldn't go away. I also got a fever as well.
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| You're running after something that you'll never kill, if this is what you want, than fire at will. |
[10 Dec 2004|10:47pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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My Chemical Romance - Thank you for the venom. |
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Well, I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated with something relevant. I haven’t really had a lot of time, but I got my laptop! It’s rather hard to type with the keys are so close together, but it’s wonderful all the same. I miss my computer at home, though. I’ve lost most of my hair, I should take a picture of my head and post it, ha. I suppose I will, there’s no harm in it. I am getting terribly depressed, cooped up here, and when I’m not in the hospital, I’ve got to visit it everyday. Oh well…maybe March will come soon. I can only hope. As for everything else, here I have too much time to think about distressing issues, and things are much like they were the past summer, in a mental aspect, of course. It’s very distressing trying to figure out what I want to accomplish with my life and to find out what I want out of life, considering I live, mind you. I’m quite sure I will, for this is only a trial that I shall triumph over, I can definitely tell that I’ve been reading old literature, I’m typing like it. There’s nothing to do but think about the future, unless I think about the past and then I become resentful and angered over the whole lot of it. It’s quite cold as well, or perhaps I just need more blood and platelets. When I made the decision a few months ago not to worry about things until they happened, it seemed like a good idea, but if I worry about things I feel more comfort in knowing that at least I haven’t completely ignored them. I feel as if I’m always searching for something that I’ll never discover or unearth. Sometimes I wish things were as light-hearted as they once were, but I know they’ll never be that way again. I don’t even know if things were light-hearted to begin with, it was probably in my imagination, where everything else resides.
I used to have so much faith in my imagination, but I feel a sense of failure that is very unbecoming. I would have liked to have thought I was head-strong, unscrupulous, or ambitious. Perhaps I once was, but recent occurrences have humbled me, but I’m certainly not going to let them depress me, I do try to look at the bright side of it, for I will have this experience at such a young age that other kids will not get to experience, I doubt that they’d want to, but I have the experience all the same. In one of the books that I was reading, an interesting quote attracted my attention, it was something like Just deal with what you’re dealt and be glad that things are not as bad as they could be. It’s a very good theory. There are loads of people going through a lot of terrible things, much more bothersome than my feeble little illness.
Now, more than ever, I feel disconnected from the world, or at least my world. I never know what happens anymore, and sometimes I care, and sometimes I don’t. And about the way I behave now, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, not that I did, but if they want to praise me and say I’m a saint (which is highly unlikely), or if they want to damn me to hell, they can go right on ahead. The thing I hate the worst at the moment is the sympathy and the pity I get from the public eye at the moment, I don’t need any of that. I’m quite fine going unnoticed. I think all I’ve ever really wanted to do is walk the earth quietly, going unnoticed. In other news, I had chemotherapy injected into my spine yesterday, and it was quite painful, my lower back hurts. Cheese rlz plz. Kthnx.
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[06 Dec 2004|03:13am] |
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Happy birthday, Hagrid!
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